On Honesty in Blogging, Part 2

Posted by on Dec 2, 2008 in Writing | 12 comments

(Continued from yesterday’s post.)

And you think: poor baby, a real job. But I’ll die a slow death of the soul. I can feel it already. I’ll have to give up my fiction for the most part. My fiction will become the thing I try to fit in, like a hobby, and that feels so wrong to me. So wrong. That’s not what my soul wants to do: FIT IN the fiction. No.

The 9-to-5 world sucks me dry. Maybe it’s my temperament, maybe it’s the florescent lighting, but it really does sap me of energy. I never did get much fiction accomplished during my salaried days. I don’t know how Bloglily and Nova do it, frankly. I have a lower energy threshold, I suppose, and that’s what I have to accomodate to get the fiction in–which is why I put myself at risk outside the system, so I’d have sufficient quiet time plus sufficient writing time.

At the moment, it feels like the risks haven’t been worth it, feels like I’ve given up a whole helluva lot (my life, basically) for the fiction. Feels like I’ll never have anything to show for the sacrifice. How’s this for wallowing and honesty in blogging?

Obviously, I’m emotional right now. The rawness will pass, but I’m depressive, too, so I hope I don’t fall into that stupor over the rest of the winter.

Even as I write this, I know that I’ll adjust as necessary to keep a roof over my head. It’s just that I hate feeling shriveled down to survivalism. I’ve never worried about money before. I’ve never felt that anxiety before. I’ve never felt the pull of money at odds with the pull of my dreams. Going for fiction never felt like risky behavior until now. I always assumed it would happen.

If this is a process, then I’m in the midst of just another obstacle, right? A deep and wide obstacle, but only an obstacle. If this is so, why does it feel like the end of my dreams?

The economy will improve, money will free up again, but that’s THEN, this is now.

12 Comments

  1. Oh Lisa, I really truly feel for you. But even in the midst of all the crap thrown at you lately, I hear evidence of your optimism. Hang on and ride it out. I know you’ll get through this.

  2. Hey Lis,

    I feel for you too. You have real talent and have worked so hard and so diligently on your novels. You have a right to feel let down, depressed, bummed, so feel these things and then get back to what you do best-writing.

    –griz

  3. i feel you. i am hoping that, if you do need to pursue some icky 9-5 employment, even for a bit, that maybe a little glass half full/empty thing can help? or just to remind yourself that (even though i TOTALY get how the job thing can suck ones will to live) the “JOB” is the temporary thing, making other things possible? i suppose you’ve already been through that, but this is merely a bump.

    don’t give up!

  4. Oh, Lisa, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. So many of us have had to reshape our dreams because of finances, and it’s terribly disheartening.

    I’m thinking of you as you work your way through this, and find the best solution so you can keep doing what you’re meant to do – WRITE !

  5. Hey, you have taken one of those steps out in midair where there doesn’t seem a step and yet one appears. And so you won a grant and time to write. Don’t give up. Take the next step; put your foot out there, and the next step will be there for you.

    And if you really really would find some ($) relief in taking a job, any chance you could do something fun and inane (like, as a barrista or something, so you don’t use up all your energy and can still write when you get home?

    cheering quietly for you.

  6. Lisa, your honesty is a show of strength. You know that as a writer, you go through light and darkness. You need one to have the other. You will be just fine. You *are* published already! Geez, I’d be so happy to have the success you have already had. Take this time to try something new. You have a lot to be grateful for: your health, your passion, wonderful friends. Meditate, eat well, exercise and continue writing. It’ll be sunny soon. Love, C

  7. I don’t know if you’re a morning person or not…but I think if you can start your day out (early…like 5 am) with the kind of writing you love, then the 9-5 job won’t be half so awful.

    You have the talent, of that I’m sure…just don’t let this winter northwest cloud cover and rain get to you. Hang in there and don’t give up on your dream.

  8. Lisa, this is a big blow. It seems like it’s almost the death of a vision. This will take some time to grieve and adjust to. It’s big. Don’t let yourself be talked out of feeling the grief or pain (not that you’re going to, or that anyone is trying to do that… I’m just saying… it’s a sad loss, even if temporary).

    I am not slapping band-aids on when I point out a couple of things for balance: first, if you can write in the technical field, it’s still writing. So many writers don’t get to write at all and still have to go to stinking jobs that aren’t their dreams. And then also, having to take a job doesn’t mean you can’t write or will never be published. It probably feels like it, but I hope you won’t get attached to that thought and keep it around. I hope you won’t throw the baby out with the bathwater, but will continue to nurture and love that writing baby!

  9. Wow, went away to for a day and return to so much support! Thank you so much. I’d respond individually like I usually do, but I’m a little tired at the moment.

    Times like this I wish I had a spiritual practise. Seems like it’s a matter of accessing my core–that steady and serene place.

    But then, I get to that place when I write, don’t I? It’s what many of you wrote above: keep writing.

  10. Your bold honesty is so refreshing.

    I, too, have a difficult time with the 9 to 5. I

  11. Lisa, I feel for you (especially as I have a mind-numbing job that leaves me little time to write). 9 to 5? Mine is rather 9 to 7!
    Honestly, the economy is going down the drain and it will be at least 1 year before it comes back again. If your financial situation is so, I would say Take a job, but somewhere nice and steady. Some money in the bank will enable you to have a quieter mind and to write.

  12. Welcome Lavanna — thanks for calling this post “refreshing” rather than, say, “self-indulgent” or “whiny” or “self-pitying”! Some of us aren’t cut out for the 9-to-5…

    Smithereens, eh yeah, taking a job. The financial steadiness would be its own kind of relief. But, honestly, I don’t know if I can do it! 🙂

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