MARTHA STEWART, HAH! | Secret Life of a Chaotic Writer

Posted on August 22, 2013 by lalber

Luna the One-Eyed Wonder Dog, messy eater

My mind is too full. It’s so full of novel stuff (page proofs! an upcoming conference to prepare for! what about the current work-in-progress?!?!?) and Debutante Ball debut author blog stuff (fabulous relaunch 9/1! brainstorming! getting organized!) that I’m in danger of short circuiting. In fact, the other night I turned on my bedside lamp because I couldn’t sleep, and the bulb flared, popped, died, and blew the circuit while it was at it.

How perfectly symbolic.

The ying and yang of all this brain activity is that I’m oddly blank too. For example, when the light bulb blew out the circuit, I whimpered because I couldn’t bear the thought of dealing with an electrician. I whimpered some more when I realized I had no Wifi and would have to unplug the television cable. It took me 12 hours–t.w.e.l.v.e. hours–to remember to flip the circuit breaker back to on. Uh-huh, that’s what I’m talking about. Oddly blank.

Here’s another example: As of last week, I have ants in my house. I’ve lived in my place for three years, but NOW the frenetic little beasties show up.

Again, how perfectly symbolic.

Yes, OK, I’m too distracted to keep up on the cleaning. The place is a wreck, and my wee dog, Luna the One-Eyed Wonder, is a messy eater. So, yes, dried-up wet food crusts the linoleum. Or rather, crusted the linoleum because the ants cleaned it up for me. Now that they’ve discovered the Eden that is my kitchen, they’re here to stay.

I gaze at the ants–my own little ecosystem–clean up new dog and human messes, and that’s about it. My brain blanks out when I think about the next step. Honestly, I can’t be bothered to buy one of those ant poisoner thingies. I don’t even know what they’re called, and I can’t be bothered to find that out either. So the little beasties and I shall live in harmony for the time being.

I forgot about my toenails. No summery pedicures for me. In fact, I shouldn’t be seen in sandals.

I forget to roll the pet hair off my clothes before I run out of the house.

I discovered a mushy, practically liquified, bunch of asparagus in the crisper.

A load of laundry has been sitting on the dining table for a month. It’s dusty with–you got it–animal hair, so I’ll need to wash it again. Someday.

At a stop light, I sneezed and rolled into the car in front of me.

I blew through a stop sign–whoops!–and received a $250 traffic ticket.

I lost my keys and shelled out $150 for a locksmith…

Now I don’t know how to end this post. I normally try to round them out, return full circle, but. My mind just went blank again.

This Is my Big Toe

Posted on April 1, 2010 by lalber

Well, hi there after so long. I feel like I’m venturing into a cozy room after wandering an outer darkness for awhile. My room is a parlor with striped wallpaper and fringed lamps, and it contains a roaring fire and dozens shabby, genteel wingback chairs. In those wingback chairs lounge virtual blog friends of times past. You, my blog friends, are ghostly as yet — but welcoming — and my chair sits in the middle of everyone, already warmed by the fire.

This is my big toe venturing back into blog-world. It needs a little warming up, so I shall stretch it toward the hearth by way of 2010 photos.

Hey, how are you? Drop a line, let me know.

Hanalei Bay 1 — January: Hanalei Bay, Hawaii! Vitamin D! Lots of mai tais!

Oregon Coast March — March: Oregon coast for one of my impromptu writers retreats

What I Did on My Lunch Hour

Posted on April 30, 2009 by lalber

Can out Luna begging for a little sandwich — Check out Luna begging for a little sandwich

Today — at noon, no less — I made the break. I wrenched myself away from my deadlines, put on semi-decent clothes plus a groovy necklace (which is really dressing up) and sped away from my home-office. With windows rolled down, I let the spring breeze mess up my already disheveled curls, which reminded me that I’m about two months overdue for a haircut.

But, no matter, because at least my hair was clean for a change, and the sun was out. Luna the Dog stared up at me, expecting and about to receive a desultory walk in the park, in which I chatted with other dogwalkers while she tried to avoid all dog-contact. She’s like that.

Then, off to a cafe with its outdoor seating back in place after a long winter. Happy day! Brie panini (a splurge, admittedly), latte, and laptop. I munched the sandwich as I munged words, achieving my hour’s worth of fiction for the day. Still not the best, still itchy that I can’t spend all day…But a step in the right direction, right?

Truth is, I could have worked another little while on the novel, but I decided to finish up my lunch hour with a little spring-cleaning. My home is a wreck, but now my balcony is habitable.

Alas, I must return to the training manual I’m editing, which means that the dog and the cat get to enjoy the balcony. Ah well, that was a mighty fine three-hour lunch hour!

Luna amidst the new geraniums and daisies

Trio on the new "anti-gravity" deck chair

One Manuscript, One Dog, One King-Sized Bed

Posted on March 5, 2009 by lalber

: Big enough bed for all of us

Frankly, I’m delirious with exhaustion. I’ve set myself another one of those quick-reading goals during another one of my self-imposed writer’s retreats.

It’s not so much reading a 400-page manuscript in 48 hours that’s got me tired. It’s this task after multiple deadlines I had to complete before I took off. I get that way sometimes, where I gotta clear the decks. So, over the past week, I completed the current revision (goes without saying since I’m here reading it), dealt with my taxes (yikes), met a day-job deadline (hefty), and wrote the short story I mentioned in my last post (compulsive purge).

I’m not going to pat myself on the back until I finish this quick-read. One-hundred-fifty more pages to go before I leave this sweet little hotel room tomorrow. And then? Pleasure reading and sleeping and nothing else for a solid 24 hours! I have a light novel waiting for me. The latest Candace Bushnell, whom I’ve never read before. I already can’t wait.

This time around, I’m not splurging on a plush ocean-front view. However, I am lodged on the grounds of a pet-friendly botanical garden called The Oregon Garden. The Oregon Garden Resort opened in October, and it’s so fresh the breeze smells fragrant as a horse stable — all that manure and spring planting. Mmm, I love that smell. It comforts me, reminding me of the horsey girl I once was.

Luna's probably nibbling a little manure back there

It’s quiet up here in the foothills, in the middle of nowhere. The Oregon Garden is a tourist attraction that never took off, so I suspect. That’s why this resort now exists with its great package deals. Last night I snuck into the gardens after dark. Frogs and gurgles and weird rustlings accompanied Luna and me. A misty half-moon gave scant light, and I bumbled around with a scaredy-cat thrilled rush, imagining bogeymen, while my dog stopped every ten feet to sniff at doggy delicacies.

But tonight, it’s all work, no play.

And how is the manuscript this time around? Better, much better! Last November, in the ocean-front room, I was mired down with uncooperative story threads. Also, possible new scenes, flow issues, and so on.

This time, I’m hiccuping on smaller stuff like awkward sentences and overused words/phrases. I’m amazed, actually. My story is growing up!

I’m an efficient quick-reader by now, and I’ve created a convenient shorthand. Underlining means come back to this sentence or paragraph because something ain’t right. “WW” means “wrong word,” as in: Is this the best I could do? Or, as in: You’ve already overused this word; get a new one. “Segue” means crappy transition or jumpy thought.

I’ll be up late tonight pushing this exhaustion to the max. But so worth it!

Lottery Distraction (and Dogs Too)

Posted on January 17, 2009 by lalber

When it comes to your fiction, have you ever wondered what you’d do if you won a $150 million lottery?

Today I stopped at the grocery store to buy yogurt. A teenager (pink rubberbands on her braces and, like, green eyes) with a dog carrier caught my eye. We got to talking about her pup, a Japanese Chin.

I was about to ask the pink-banded one if her dog also dances up on its hind legs, when a growing line of people visible over the girl’s shoulder distracted me further. Apparently, Powerball is up to $150+ million and people are buying tickets big-time.

It took me an inordinately long time to decide on the yogurt. In the midst of all-important considerations — strawberry-flavored or vanilla? lowfat okay since there are no nonfats? what, now there’s yogurt with added fiber? — I couldn’t help wondering what I’d do if I won the lottery.

Just how much of a novelist do I think I am anyhow?

Would I live a well-invested life of bling and leisure, happily dabbling at writing, no pressure to publish, no need to see my words in print?

Or, would I self-publish because I’d have the money to hire excellent editors, copyeditors, designers, marketers and publicists?

Or, would I take 20 years to write one masterpiece, get it out there, and call it a day?

I like to think that I wouldn’t change when it comes to my fiction, but I don’t know that for sure. Writing might be a totally different experience when you don’t have to worry about growing a career.

It’s that nasty word “career” that adds a level of urgency to the equation and has me wondering what my writing would turn into if I didn’t have to earn a living.

(P.S. Didn’t buy a Powerball ticket.)

A Merry Snowed-In Christmas

Posted on December 24, 2008 by lalber

hollyberries Today, I woke up in a better mood than I have in weeks. It’s a bouyancy out of nowhere, and I’m once again amazed by human resilience. There’s no reason for my mood, none whatsoever. It’s Christmas Eve and I’m snowed-in. We in my family won’t celebrate the holiday until this weekend — hopefully. I’ve been cooped up for 10 days, hiking to the grocery store, stewing in my juices.

You’d think given all this time, I’d have accomplished much writing. Hah!

Old-time Portlanders are talking about this snowfall as the worst winter in 40 years. All I know is that struggling through the snow, I meet up with fellow hikers who smile wide and offer benedictions like, Beautiful, isn’t it? even as they nearly fall on their bums. Smiles all around, shrugs, slips and slides — it’s a strange but welcome comraderie.

Today it must be 34 or 35 degrees — a step in the right direction — and when I opened the balcony window the lovely hush I’d gotten used to had disappeared, replaced by snap-crackle-popping, a most enlivening sound. Truth is, I’d never before heard the sound of a slow thaw. Ice and snow falling off the evergreens and telephone lines, snow pockmarked and slushy: unique to me.

It’s thawing out there; my heart is thawing out a little too. Time to ready myself for a bright, shiny New Year!

Though, more snow is supposed to be coming for us — one more bout before it lets us go. But I don’t care. Even if I’m snowed-in, it’s still Christmas, and Christmas was always one of the happiest times in my family. We did it BIG. Or rather, my father did it big and brought us along with him. The eight-foot tree with thousands of lights; the beautifully made nativity scene, hand-sculpted and -painted, the kind you don’t see anymore. Chipped as it was, I used to love playing with it as if it were a doll set. The multitudes of presents under the tree — too many really — maybe it was almost disgusting, but as I kid, what did I care?

I may be holed up, but it’s still Christmas.

Merry Christmas!

P.S. A few pet pictures, typical of the last 10 days.

Luna, the dog reminiscent of a cat, snuggling into the warmest spot next to my drying boots (in front of the space heater).

lunaandboots

Trio, the cat reminiscent of a dog, playing in the snow.

trioinsnow

Monday Thoughts

Posted on November 17, 2008 by lalber

Today, a hodge-podge because I’m distracted by various thoughts, some pertaining to writing and some not. I share my distractions with you, lucky readers.

1. Latest with the dog.

Check it out. She gave herself a shiner last Thursday. Running about the apartment in her most fetching and playful manner and — BAM — with a yelp, she clocked her empty eye socket against a chair leg. The swelling hasn’t gone down yet, so I’m worried. I’ve never had a shiner. How long does it take for swelling to retreat?

2. Dennis Lehane, novelist. Good news for us non-outliners.

Caught an online interview with Lehane, and I like what he had to say about his process. To start writing, he has to have a strong macro-sense of the story, which consists, he said, of only a couple of must-include plot points. Other than that, he feels his way through his stories. And his stories are complex, wouldn’t you say? This is kind of amazing. He said he may write a little list, jot a few notes, about what he’d like to happen, and even then, apparently, his end product probably won’t match the list. I like this. I like this alot. And you?

3. Goal-setting (maybe this should have been number one).

I need deadlines, yep. I got to thinking about this because over the weekend a guy I’m crushing on mentioned the term “self-starters” in conjunction with us writers. It’s so true! I’d never thought about it this way, and I stood up a little taller when he said this. I’m a self-starter(!). And, let’s be honest, those of us currently without publishing contracts need to be, don’t we?

The truth is, I used to be a better self-starter. I didn’t need to light a flame under my tookis with self-imposed deadlines. These days, I work better when I make contracts with myself. Sometimes the constant self-vigilance is exhausting, but what else to do? I’m still a self-starter!

4. PUBWEST Conference: On pretending I’m someone I’m not and fantasizing about the future.

Over the weekend I attended the Publishers Association of the West’s annual conference. My goal was to get the inside scoop on Internet marketing and publicity. I managed to absorb some knowledge and meet a couple of interesting potential contacts.

Mainly, though, I found myself relishing my “Presenter” status. This was a great joke. Someone in the back office had attached a “Presenter” ribbon to my name tag. I caught people flicking glances at my chest (not lasciviously) and then smiling at me. Not that this doesn’t occur in general, but I’m telling you, it was a different kind of vibe coming my way. Like I was Someone. Most strange, really, but fun. I like to think it was a dress rehearsal for the real thing!

The name tag makes a great cat toy.

The Manuscript Says “Hi”

Posted on November 4, 2008 by lalber

The manuscript, nicknamed “Red,” is loving the coast and this lodge. The view is wonderful. That’s Haystack Rock.

But, frankly, Red doesn’t want to be worked on yet. It’s tired and sore after the marathon revision its mistress of verbal torture put it through. It would rather cozy into a robe…

and uncork the Australian Cabernet, or maybe read awhile before napping.

Red thinks the welcome doggy basket is too cute and wishes it had gotten one. However, there are 24/7 cookies down in the lobby, hopefully chocolate chip, so it can’t complain.

Oh yeah, Luna says “hi” too. This place is so cool the dog-poop bags are scented!

How’s This For Funny?

Posted on October 22, 2008 by lalber

Here is an up-to-the-minute moment in my writer’s life:

This time of year the sun beams into my office around midafternoon. I love it. Unfortunately, today Luna the Loony Dog discovered the warmth also.

On my lap, of course.

Lovely for her. And cutesy for me for about two minutes. On the ground again (in the shade), she wouldn’t leave me alone. In the name of the writing god called revision, I decided to let her have her sun.

On my desk, of course.

I’m whipped. I am SO whipped.

(Thanks goodness she’s smaller than my cat. And thank goodness the cat’s outdoors. He also likes to sunbathe on my desk…)

Silly Spaniel or Sporty Spaniel?

Posted on October 9, 2008 by lalber

Before dog ownership, I knew, just knew, I was a person who:

1. would never own a lap dog, and

2. would never, EVER own a shivery lap dog.

Goes to show. Pulled out Luna’s spiffy new coat this morning because the chill is officially on around here. Silly Spaniel or Sporty Spaniel? I can’t decide.

(Later – it’s official: She’s not Sporty Spaniel. The sight of the coat excited her when I pulled it out for her evening walk. However, once dressed, she jumped onto the couch for more sleep. I hereby change my choices to Silly Spaniel or Stylista Spaniel — or Slacker Spaniel.)

The chilly weather compelled a new pet behavior. First time the cat and dog have snoozed in proximity to each other. Cat’s still the alpha, of course, but at least they’re not engaging in space-heater turf wars. (Gotta buy something other than a bath mat for them to lie on though.)

Okay, back to work now…or would that be a cozy bubble bath instead? And, if bubble bath, can I say I worked if I read one of my research books while soaking?