Suicide Girl Is Here

Posted by on Feb 24, 2009 in Writing | 6 comments

I’m sitting in my best neighborhood coffeehouse, it’s 3:00 p.m., and I’m writing in Word because this place has no WiFi. (I’ll post this later.)

Right now I’m thinking, Is that blond boy with the modified mohawk and Keen bicycle messenger bag Colin?

I feel urgent, wanting to write this post. I don’t know why. For the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking about the girl the blond boy has just joined. I wish I’d brought my camera. I want a picture. I don’t know why. I’m worried about her, this beautiful girl with the nose ring, black eyeliner, and skinny purple jeans. The only reason I’m here is because I hoped she’d be here.

Something’s unfolding with her in a big way. But this is probably just me creating a story. I realize this about myself. I understand the difference between fiction and reality. Most of the time anyhow.

Today she’s smiling and engaged in her conversation with Blond Boy, who may or may not be Colin, but who is definitely not her usual after-school companion. So which one of the two boys is Colin?

I truly want to know if this Colin is going to break her heart. Or, if Colin is going to help her to not commit suicide. I suspect she’s suicidal. But then, again, I can’t know—maybe she’s only a drama queen.

I first noticed this girl, who is a writer and a reader, a few weeks ago with her usual companion, the boy with the white plastic belt and falling-off jeans. In my day (yikes, am I that old?), their topic of conversation was a taboo subject. But these two spoke about it as if about whether or not they’d smoked cigarettes that day. I was seated next to them. I admit that I was caught off guard, shocked you might say.

She said, Congratulate me, I didn’t try to kill myself today.

He said, Congratulations, jeez, I’m really proud of you.

Something, something, something that I don’t remember, and then he responded, But if you want to keep the pills down wrap them up in gum…

I know, right? The conversation was so nonchalant—scarily so—and maybe I would have set it aside as the latest in teenage-angst talk except that a week later the girl, who has porcelain skin and eyes the color of spring, sat at this community table writing a “Dear Colin” letter. Bruises ran up and down her arms, and an industrial-sized bandage wrapped her left wrist. A novel sat beside her: The Virgin Suicides by Jeffrey Eugenides.

Oh, here comes her usual companion but with a yellow plastic belt and a female buddy in tow. I peg the group as creative/hipster outsiders like Molly Ringwold in “Pretty in Pink.” I’m glad to see the girl clowning with her friends even though she’s none of my business.

Actually, I do know the “why” about all of this. I suspect that my prurience has everything to do with my desire—my anxiety, my internal steam build-up—to discover the idea for my next novel.

6 Comments

  1. you have a heart-twisting story here. hope you carry on with the truth, narrating as you see them OR spare us (the tension) and write an ending (happy, or with a twist?)

  2. “She said, Congratulate me, I didn’t try to kill myself today.”

    Maybe this is how ‘young’ people converse nowadays, we hope.

  3. That’s a very dark place to go in fiction. I don’t recommend it, unless you’ve a firm grip on yourself at all times. Seriously.

  4. Hi, oh. I will continue checking for her when I go to this cafe. (Unfortunately, she might be catching wind of my interest!)

    I’m still hoping their conversation was only world-weay teenage speak, leafless. Cross fingers!

    I know, Liz, too dark. Especially, I can’t see myself writing from that POV. One step removed, maybe.

  5. This is as frightening as it is fascinating. I have my own “suicide girl,” I’m afraid – a former student who has made several unsuccessful attempts and calls me on the phone periodically to update me on her progress (or lack thereof).

    Tread carefully on this one…

  6. Hi Becca, nice hearing from you. That must be gut-wrenching for you–you’re not observing from a distance like I am.

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