Sacrilege! And Asides

On Facebook, a friend asked me if I was prepared to degrade myself this much for a writing career. I was expecting a lame, exploitative novel at the other end of the link he posted, but…wow. Not that.

All I could think was, What the hell? What’s going on in the world of publishing? Has to be a hoax, I thought. Hardly. You can find this joke of a novel on Amazon.com.

I’m not a Jane Austen purist, but this is going too far, waaay too far…

Our dear Elizabeth Bennett trading witticisms with zombies? Sacrilege!
Our dear Elizabeth Bennett trading witticisms with zombies? Sacrilege!

Isn’t that nuts? And, no, I’m not willing to degrade myself that far.

On an aside, yesterday I had a wacky economic-downturn moment. Driving from here to there to there on a ridiculously complicated quest for black printer ink, I saw four going-out-of-business liquidation sales–and the hundreds of people taking advantage of those sales. It was absurd, all those people feverishly spending money they probably didn’t have just because Circuit City and Levitz Furniture (amongst others) have succumbed.  

On the other hand, millions of people across the U.S. buying up inventories at rock-bottom prices…Isn’t that what Bush kept wanting? Citizens spending money?

On a related aside: Read an amusing article in the New York Times about how the bad economy makes for a great excuse. And I’ll quote:

A number of novelists said they have used the prefabricated recession alibi without guilt pangs. Perhaps that’s because they make up stories for a living. (Hehe, too true.)

…Clea Simon, a mystery writer in Cambridge, Mass., said she skipped a conference where she was supposed to speak, using the economy as an excuse to mask her real reason: shyness.

…With the downturn, she said, “I had the perfect excuse to stay home.” (I’ve been using it as an  excuse too, actually.)

I Don’t Care

tomatoesI don’t care what my financial situation is, I’m not, I repeat not, going to buy mutant tomatoes with grayish, waxy sheens and zero aroma at the superstore just because they’re half the price of the organic vine tomatoes at my regular grocery store.

And, I don’t care what my financial situation is, after sending in a resume for a 9-to-5 job purely out of fear, I’m no longer going to entertain for one millesecond technical-writing positions that pay $20,000 less than I’m worth. I’m a senior-level technical writer for crying out loud! What was I thinking?

I guess that’s fear for you. I’m done with the fear. I buy my organic vine tomatoes in good faith.

(That said, I’m may still be funky and moody for awhile.)

On Honesty in Blogging, Part 2

(Continued from yesterday’s post.)

And you think: poor baby, a real job. But I’ll die a slow death of the soul. I can feel it already. I’ll have to give up my fiction for the most part. My fiction will become the thing I try to fit in, like a hobby, and that feels so wrong to me. So wrong. That’s not what my soul wants to do: FIT IN the fiction. No.

The 9-to-5 world sucks me dry. Maybe it’s my temperament, maybe it’s the florescent lighting, but it really does sap me of energy. I never did get much fiction accomplished during my salaried days. I don’t know how Bloglily and Nova do it, frankly. I have a lower energy threshold, I suppose, and that’s what I have to accomodate to get the fiction in–which is why I put myself at risk outside the system, so I’d have sufficient quiet time plus sufficient writing time.

At the moment, it feels like the risks haven’t been worth it, feels like I’ve given up a whole helluva lot (my life, basically) for the fiction. Feels like I’ll never have anything to show for the sacrifice. How’s this for wallowing and honesty in blogging?

Obviously, I’m emotional right now. The rawness will pass, but I’m depressive, too, so I hope I don’t fall into that stupor over the rest of the winter.

Even as I write this, I know that I’ll adjust as necessary to keep a roof over my head. It’s just that I hate feeling shriveled down to survivalism. I’ve never worried about money before. I’ve never felt that anxiety before. I’ve never felt the pull of money at odds with the pull of my dreams. Going for fiction never felt like risky behavior until now. I always assumed it would happen.

If this is a process, then I’m in the midst of just another obstacle, right? A deep and wide obstacle, but only an obstacle. If this is so, why does it feel like the end of my dreams?

The economy will improve, money will free up again, but that’s THEN, this is now.

On Honesty in Blogging, Part 1

This blog, it’s supposed to be an honest reflection of my writing life. It’s supposed to highlight my thoughts on craft, my fiction-writing trials and tribulation, my bumpy road toward publication. I thought my blog might inspire other fledgling novelists. I thought it might inspire because I was optimistic that the low points would be the run-of-the-mill frustrations. I even count the literary-agent setback in that category because it’s a common story.

But now, I’m in a bad way, a very bad way, and here’s where it’s hard to be honest. It’s making my soul clench to have to write this — and maybe I want to cry just a little — but I honestly don’t know if publication is going to happen for me. I might have to quit my dream, or at least sideline it for a long while. But sidelining it feels like quitting.

I feel weak and fearful right now. I’m not used to feeling like this. I don’t like it.

I thought I’d be well on my way toward publication by now. I had two years worth of stored money (most of it by way of the writing grant mentioned in the sidebar) to see me safely through to a contract. Hah–that’s VERY optimistic, I know. I thought at the very least, no problem, because I’ve never had trouble finding part-time freelance work.

The reason this post is difficult to write is because it’s all about money. Every struggling artist’s nemesis. Who likes to be honest about that? It’s yucky.

I’m in a bad, bad way. I had money to last me until July 2009. I had two freelance jobs lined up for right know, lucrative jobs that would help fill the coffers so I could continue on past July 2009 in this writing life of mine. Who knew when I quit my job in July 2007 that everything would go to hell?

The freelance jobs never happened. The bad economy sucked them dry as well as most of my remaining grant money.

I realized my dire financial straits this morning. It hit me like a massive coronary. And since the optimal freelance jobs have dwindled, I found myself looking at ACTUAL JOB ads within my previous career: technical writing.

Ugh, I’m getting so depressed thinking about this–I’ll continue my train of thought tomorrow.

I’m Getting Scared About the Election

9:00 a.m. here, Friday, Halloween…I should be revising the novel, but I can’t concentrate yet. I’m about to start crying over this darned election. I can’t take the suspense of not knowing the outcome anymore! I want it to be done!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHEO_fG3mm4&hl=en&fs=1]

As much as I want to hope, pessimism leaches into my thoughts. Pessimism because the Republicans are better at shenanigans than the Dems. What’s going to happen in Florida this time around, eh? And the poor, why is it the poor always seem to vote for the party that doesn’t give a crap about them? Why is there so much ignorance?

Actually, “getting scared” isn’t quite right. I’ve been worried for awhile, but it’s hitting me now. But of course there’s hope, there is. The popular groundswell is amazing, isn’t it? And if my diehard Republican brother-in-law is voting for Obama, doesn’t that mean millions more like him might be doing the same?

But what about the millions of closet racists? We know they’re out there. We know they’re nice people who would NEVER say a word about race but that will never vote for a black man either.

Why can’t people think LOGICALLY for God’s sake? Uhm, when was the last time we enjoyed a surplus, great economy, and global respect…uhm, wouldn’t that be under the Democrats?

LOGIC LOGIC LOGIC…Now I’m just getting mad. So I’m going to send you off to three websites.

1. I’ve been receiving position papers from novelist Elizabeth George. She’s a smart cookie, and she’s done her research, believe me. AND, I admire that she decided to publish these papers on her official author’s website.

Please, if you’re still undecided, check her papers out. Read the last paper for an overview (hopefully it’s posted now). She includes some very interesting statistics.

2. My friend Wendy is political, smart, and funny, and I like this post — which, in fact, got me thinking about the logic-factor. Her post about game-show Palin is spot on also.

3. Then this blog, which brought a welcome smile to my face. Two 80-year-olds saying exactly what it is they believe. I want to be that feisty when I’m 80!! As these two say: If you’re still undecided, you haven’t been paying attention.

On a personal level, I fear what might become of me should things not change. I’ve already had two freelance jobs postpone themselves into the indefinite future because of the economy…I wish I had some comfort food in the house…Why the heck didn’t I buy Halloween candy this year?!?!?!?